Love always,
P
Not my problem?
Nine Years….
Nine Fucking Years…I have been repeating that…driving myself angry…
we all knew…there was trouble…
Yet, My questions went as far as the telephone line…I am not related…but I am connected…a very fine line…
we all sit with the pain as the truth blinds us
Broken Bones. Broken Spirits.
Now, we are buying time back..
isn’t that what we know best?
street walker
Flashing lights
Her body was still on the ground
As mortal souls tried to make sense
Three hours passed
Now
Covered in white
Her body seemed to be searching for answers
I stood there
Lingering in the moments
of mortality
Praying that her soul
found the way home.
when you say dear….
It scares me…
More so because the language builds a barrier between your intentions and my intent..
covering up the pain you held on for years…
what my family did and did not do…
it isn’t my fault…but i bear the name…and as a woman…i understand the depths of your womb…
Yet, I want to believe…that you found Love..and you found forgiveness…
I want to believe that sincere…stills holds a place….
For the memories of my grandparents lives through you…and I want to be able to connect to the language of my heart…
when you call my name…know it is my name…and not your pain…
isn’t it so…dear?
finding joy
It happened…
In an unexpected way…the kind that leaves you wondering what it all means…why now…why this..what is the message..
well, at least for me…who is constantly searching for a deep connection…i’ll pass on the fake bitches, i’ll pierce through the veils of your fears…
She stood there…staring at me….the tears coming down my face..I had nothing to give…except for pure love…
embracing the beautiful moment…
hoping..
Trusting…that when the moment ends…
I would be able to live out loud…
I would be able to live…
in living grace.
when you believe ..then you will see
This day belongs to you.
Go out and build your world…
Hi, I had to come to this space…
I needed to share and write down all of the emotions that I am feeling…I need to sit and be calm…
A year ago..to the day…I was submitting my documentary idea..I was torn between two topics both which really anchor my soul .. I had to choose ONE… Transgender Community OR Global Church Choirs….
I remember specifically the conversation I had with my father about my idea..I didn’t share the first as back then I avoided any conversations in the GLBT section…and well, frankly…conversations I have with my father are strictly about work projects, life goals, and i’ll ask about soccer…Not that he isn’t approachable..He has the most amazing heart and soul I know…and he has put alot of trust and duties for me to own..let me break it down…My Father is the single most important relationship in my life, one that I have failed miserably and that I am trying to do better by….it is complicated….so I stay on safe topics and work endlessly to meet him halfway….I fall short…
Global Church Choirs..is self explantory….I grew up singing ( not well but joyfully!) in church choirs..it is in my soul..my bones…my step…everywhere..my past..I was in a Gospel Choir when I was in college….( Really, I don’t have a good voice..i just LOVE to sing! and well, yes it does go back to the fact that My Father was also in the choir and often times had solos..as well as growing up singing in his Parent’s church choir)
We can all agree that singing as a form of praise – to whatever God you believe in is open and inviting …free from the hatred that has darkened and divided the arch of religious beliefs….my goal was to focus on this open and inviting space – gay friendly ya know?!
I lingered….traveled north…and decided.
I went with …”The Transcendent Spirit: the voice of the Transgender Community” I wanted to focus on the transcendent place one goes to find peace and love…specifically, the place that tells one’s spirit/soul…that one is in the wrong body…..there are lot of misconceptions and within the GLBT Community the T is often isolated…I wanted to do something out of my comfort zone..
My idea was not chosen. ..I dropped both project ideas…
I lost motivation..and fell into a stage of my life where i lost my ability to function..I was horrible…I didn’t respect my body, my soul, my mind…I was just going through the days..nights…staring at the cards i hold wanting to fold…i isolated myself…..i was in that loveless relationship…i was spending everything i didn’t have..
yet..i still got up and fought my way back…at least to a place where i could respect myself…
i am surrounded by amazing individuals and a family that supports me…
one of those days I was reading a blog post on Tiny Buddha…which led me to another inspirational website and voila…i found the words, the music that just sort of bolted me up….I shared it with everyone i knew….and then it started…
color started falling back into my body…i was getting better…i was talking..i was getting rid of the negative..i was affirming my truth..i was embracing my fears, my weakness, my failures and my love…
That is when you dear bloggers met me…..i started writing..i started not hating so much..and embracing more…
It surely was a rocky road…I pretty much fell on my fears because I was still riding them…
My goal is to be clear…to be courageous…to be love at all times…
And so, in twenty fours hours..I will be in the presence of First, the inspiration I found through my darkest days…. three amazing women…all that I only know through following their life’s work…their music, their ministry, their love…
Second, New York City…doing what I love…filming
Third, Stepping Unto my calling… affirming the love and grace that surrounds me…that surrounds us all
and Finally…both of my documentary ideas have found a way to come together…
the love that turns me inside out..
the grace that lets me step out
leave fear behind and be bold
no longer scared
no longer holding fear as my defense
I am ready for this beautiful moment
to reveal my inner light
and well, i have been staying on top of all of your posts…and look forward to coming back in full swing in May….back to final equipment check, storyboard drafts, and just vibrating the confidence and love that brought this moment to life…
May you live your life out loud…May you love the dark…May you be love…always
- P
enchanté
Seven Months…9,354 views, 113 followers, 675 posts that’s roughly 97 a month, 866 comments, 57 categories, 50 shares and the Calendar Marking Day One
with all of that data analyzed…I decided
I am taking a break…
Please stick around…Visit my other spaces..I leave you with plenty of reading material…music to inspire your senses…organizations to connect & grow with…on the funny part? I hope you found humor in my ramblings…My goal was to keep this blog simple and organized…search through the archives or enter a keyword..I hope you find the muse you are looking for..if not feel free to email me…
Before I go..I want to acknowledge all of the bloggers that have gracefully given me a Kreativ and or Versatile Blogger Award..I don’t follow the rules per se, I never learned how to stay in line…and I have given you more than seven random facts..Okay Fine…that means i would have to give you all more random facts about moi…and well, if you haven’t figured me out by now…I kid..Do you really want to know 56 more Randoms Facts? Email me at porchsongs13@aol.com
Thank You
Marc @ Folding Mirror Poetry
Janece @ The Wild Pomegranate
Joss @ Crowing Crone Joss
Linda @ Linda Willows
Lynn @ Lynette Gregory
Andy @ Dragoney Story
Martin @ A Gap in the Clouds
Victoria @ The Musings of a Lesbian Writer
Thank You for finding beauty in my words…Thank You for giving me strength…Thank You for helping me see and find my voice
Thank You for helping me let go of my fears.
I will return on May 1, 2012
Stay Inspired and Believe in Yourself. Always.
heart smile
She rises next to me
Pulls the covers in tighter
another morning sunrise
with her embrace.
brave
i need something stronger
a certain je ne sais quoi
reflecting my very existence
testing the limits of my physical strength
i need to feel alive
i need to bleed on the lines
my soul only rises
when the sun burns out
this is not a disguise
this is not a line
this is me walking
on a fine line
cross it
and i’ll die
i need something stronger
to reach the other side.
