I quickly turned away

She took a picture

This moment immortalized

I wonder if she knew

That the only reason

I dare not speak a word

Was because her presence

Broke me open

In an unexpected way…the kind that leaves you wondering what it all means…why now…why this..what is the message..

well, at least for me…who is constantly searching for a deep connection…i’ll pass on the fake bitches, i’ll pierce through the veils of your fears…

She stood there…staring at me….the tears coming down my face..I had nothing to give…except for pure love…

embracing the beautiful moment…

hoping..

Trusting…that when the moment ends…

I would be able to live out loud…

I would be able to live…

in living grace.

Go out and build your world…

Hi, I had to come to this space…

I needed to share and write down all of the emotions that I am feeling…I need to sit and be calm…

A year ago..to the day…I was submitting my documentary idea..I was torn between two topics both which really anchor my soul .. I had to choose ONE… Transgender Community OR Global Church Choirs….

I remember specifically the conversation I had with my father about my idea..I didn’t share the first as back then I avoided any conversations in the GLBT section…and well, frankly…conversations I have with my father are strictly about work projects, life goals, and i’ll ask about soccer…Not that he isn’t approachable..He has the most amazing heart and soul I know…and he has put alot of trust and duties for me to own..let me break it down…My Father is the single most important relationship in my life, one that I have failed miserably and that I am trying to do better by….it is complicated….so I stay on safe topics and work endlessly to meet him halfway….I fall short…

Global Church Choirs..is  self explantory….I grew up singing ( not well but joyfully!) in church choirs..it is in my soul..my bones…my step…everywhere..my past..I was in a Gospel Choir when I was in college….( Really, I don’t have a good voice..i just LOVE to sing! and well, yes it does go back to the fact that My Father was also in the choir and often times had solos..as well as growing up singing in his Parent’s church choir)

We can all agree that singing as a form of praise – to whatever God you believe in is open and inviting …free from the hatred that has darkened and divided the arch of religious beliefs….my goal was to focus on this open and inviting space –  gay friendly ya know?!

I  lingered….traveled north…and decided.

I went with …”The Transcendent Spirit: the voice of the Transgender Community”  I  wanted to focus on the transcendent place one goes to find peace and love…specifically, the place  that tells one’s spirit/soul…that one is in the wrong body…..there are lot of misconceptions and within the GLBT Community the T is often  isolated…I wanted to do something out of my comfort zone..

My idea was not chosen. ..I dropped both project ideas…

I lost motivation..and fell into a stage of my life where i lost my ability to function..I was horrible…I didn’t respect my body, my soul, my mind…I was just going through the days..nights…staring at the cards i hold wanting to fold…i isolated myself…..i was in that loveless relationship…i was spending everything i didn’t have..

yet..i still got up and fought my way back…at least to a place where i could respect myself…

i am surrounded by amazing individuals and a family that supports me…

one of those days  I was reading a blog post on Tiny Buddha…which led me to another inspirational website and voila…i found the words, the music that just sort of bolted me up….I shared it with everyone i knew….and then it started…

color started falling back into my body…i was getting better…i was talking..i was getting rid of the negative..i was affirming my truth..i was embracing my fears, my weakness, my failures and my love…

That is when you dear bloggers met me…..i started writing..i started not hating so much..and embracing more…

It surely was a rocky road…I pretty much fell on my fears because I was still riding them…

My goal is to be clear…to be courageous…to be love at all times…

And so, in twenty fours hours..I will be in the presence of First, the inspiration I found through my darkest days…. three amazing women…all that I only know through following their life’s work…their music, their ministry, their love…

Second, New York City…doing what I love…filming

Third, Stepping Unto my calling… affirming the love and grace that surrounds me…that surrounds us all

and Finally…both of my documentary ideas have found a way to come together…

the love that turns me inside out..

the grace that lets me step out

leave fear behind and be bold

no longer scared

no longer holding fear as my defense

I am ready for this beautiful moment

to reveal my inner light

and well, i have been staying on top of all of your posts…and look forward to coming back in full swing in May….back to final equipment check, storyboard drafts, and just vibrating the confidence and love that brought this moment to life…

May you live your life out loud…May you love the dark…May you be love…always

-  P

with all of that data analyzed…I decided

I am taking a break…

Please stick around…Visit my other spaces..I leave you with plenty of reading material…music to inspire your senses…organizations to connect & grow with…on the funny part? I hope you found humor in my ramblings…My goal was to keep this blog simple and organized…search through the archives or enter a keyword..I hope you find the muse you are looking for..if not feel free to email me…

Before I go..I want to acknowledge all of the bloggers that have gracefully given me a Kreativ and or Versatile Blogger Award..I don’t follow the rules per se, I never learned how to stay in line…and I have given you more than seven random facts..Okay Fine…that means i would have to give you all more random facts about moi…and well, if you haven’t figured me out by now…I kid..Do you really want to know 56 more Randoms Facts? Email me at porchsongs13@aol.com

Thank You

Marc @ Folding Mirror Poetry

Janece @ The Wild Pomegranate

Joss @ Crowing Crone Joss

Linda @ Linda Willows

Lynn @ Lynette Gregory

Andy @ Dragoney Story

Martin @ A Gap in the Clouds

Victoria @ The Musings of a Lesbian Writer

Thank You for finding beauty in my words…Thank You for giving me strength…Thank You for helping me see and find my voice

Thank You for helping me let go of my fears.

I will return on May 1, 2012

Stay Inspired and Believe in Yourself. Always.

a certain je ne sais quoi

reflecting my very existence

testing the limits of my physical strength

i need to feel alive

i need to bleed on the lines

my soul only rises

when the sun burns out

this is not a disguise

this is not a line

this is me walking

on a fine  line

cross it

and i’ll die

i need  something stronger

to reach the other side.

it is only natural

i’ve been following your footsteps since birth

trying to fit in your shoes

but i fall short

it breaks me

that you can’t accept my truth …fully

that it only goes as far as the silence speaks

and i retreat

my demise

will you ever see that my love is also natural

that i’ve been looking through your eyes at love?

fuck it all

There are some
secret places of the
heart no one else
knows, where I
can go apart.
How was it
love that one day I
found you before
me in the place
that no one knew.

I have my evenings

A sketchy evening, hastily made and fresh

with silky bird songs tangled through the air

four pink-edged apple blossoms puffed out

on the bough because a warm week fooled

them into spring.

I think the evening maker likes this

one, delays the disappearance, slows

the tide, keeps

the bright air stirred. If we were new

here we could wonder what comes next.

Love, I have evenings. I have evenings, and I

don’t know myself how to untangle the songs.